Step

Focus. Just focus. We tell ourselves this all the time. Focus the exam is in three days. Focus you need to pass this test. Focus you're driving. Focus ext. ext.

Why do we stop focusing? I mean technically we are focusing on something that is far more interesting than what we are trying so hard to focus on. So I ask you, don't you think you should probably focus on the thing that is easier to focus on than the thing you are practically killing yourself to focus on?

These are the many things that go through my head when I am procrastinating..... which is what I am doing right now, and is the reason why I am documenting this.... because it's easier to focus on this than the five units of world issues I am trying to review for. And yes, my exam is in three days....

There is something about that course that brings out the worse in me. I have a tendency to sit in the back of my class and start swearing profusely about how pointless this course is and wondering why on earth did I take it.

The honest truth? I took that course because I thought it was physical geography, little to my knowledge physical geography got cut from the grade 12 curriculum due to the lack of students signing up for the course. So, to my own guidance counsellor's preference she put me in the next best thing.... world issues -.-

There is a very good reason why I was put in the back corner in the classroom. I cannot control my rage sometimes and I would hate for my teacher to hear what is coming out of my mouth sometimes. Aside from that I am going to go do my english exam tomorrow. I will not tell you how much I despise that course, just because I don't think any of you will read past the third paragraph. I will just leave it at this, my teacher becomes side tracked to the point we were planning a trojan war for the last day of class instead of preparing for the essay we have to write in a 2 hour span of time.

I have a tendency of of striking gold when it comes to shitty teachers. Let me just say, if you are in my class in English, Math, Science, or the Social Sciences you are screwed. 

School is ending and I am scared. I'm speaking out to anyone who is moving onto post-secondary this year because I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm incredibly excited to leave high school. I need a more challenging curriculum, however I do not want to leave the teachers who have taught me in my discipline over the past for years, the arts. I have thrived in Fletchers. I have had so many amazing opportunities given to me over the past 4 years, and I have met so many amazing people.

The scariest thing about next year is not only leaving home, and learning how to live on your own, but also studying and learning a whole different style of learning. High school had hand holding in it, just not as much as middle school and elementary school. University? There is no such thing as hand holding, at the end of the day you payed your tuition, they don't care what happens to you. This is scary, but the scariest thing is having no support system. I mean my family is a phone call away, however it's always nice to have them with me in person.

When I say I am scared I am terrified. This next year will be a defining year for me, and I will grow I know, but the amount of trail and tribulation I will experience is ridiculous. Whenever I think about leaving I think about all of the things I still need to do.

The major things is getting my anxiety under control along with my insomnia. However, the biggest thing is my eating disorder. I am eating when I am at home. I do it because I know my parents worry and when they worry I eat. I guess you can say I relapsed since summer last year. I had it under control for about 6 months until know. People have done some pretty shit stuff to me that has left me feeling incredibly weak and self conscious. I get super bad anxiety when I eat or when I am faced with a meal. I eventually end up eating it and leave it, however there is this feeling I get, this unsettling feeling that I can't shake off.

My biggest worry is the control. Next year I can go 2 ways, either gain 20 pounds (20 pound degree), or come back as skeletor. At the moment I have disordered eating. That is my biggest symptom. However I also have body dysmorphia, so my perception of my body is distorted. The next step up from this is an eating disorder. I am on the edge of fully relapsing however I still have a chance to fight it, and I am. 

My sister talked to me about it and was incredibly blunt. It's a life style choice and I can fix it. Her words stay with me and are what is helping me pushing my way out of it. I am training for a 10km marathon, which means I have to eat properly. I'm working and thats all I can do.

Working on things is all we can do. Whatever problems you have, you cannot accept defeat, you cannot stop fighting. I have my share of problems and I have somehow rose to the occasion regardless of what was in front of me. I had and still have love and support. If none of you have that I am here. I will always be here.

Originally Patience