The Pit

So I welcome myself back to this digital world. My therapy and really my home away from home…. everything from two and a half years ago is on here. My life…. actually documented on well a blank screen.
The meds aren't working. They have had more negative physiological effects than positive mental effects.
Round 2 either seretonin or a highly addictive anti-anxiety. Either way it's another 2 months of adjustment and utter shittiness.
To be totally honest I have this horrible feeling. The same feeling as of two years ago. Utterly alone, down, and helpless. The loneliness is a given. I'm living in a place that doesn't function in favour of those with social anxiety disorders or a general lack of confidence. I keep trying to ignore it and just move on. Move on from the fact that I have to mentally prepare myself for the walk down the hallway to the bathroom where I will have to again mentally prepare myself to get out of the stall and make my way back down the hallway.
The other night I had probably the worst most horrifying feeling I've had in a while. It was just a flush of anxiety, a really deep depression, and the memories and feelings of my recent infliction with self harm. I seemed to crave all of this. Almost willing to take a giant leap back and fall into the pit that it took me almost a year and half to get out of.
I'm fine now, but it worries me. Is this because of the meds, or is it just me? How will it be when I switch my meds? Will this ever go away?
I guess the worst thing about all of this, is usually I have my family right by my side and friends at school to lean on during tough times. I'm not saying I don't have any friends here. I do, I small group of absolutely lovely people, but sadly it's too early in these relationships to drop a massive shit heap that just so happens to be my story on them.
My story.
God, every time I think of this I get shivers. I remember in high school everyone just knew. The teachers, staff, students, they all knew my story. Here….. I actually worry about what people would think of me if they actually new it all. I mean none of its remotely light. It's pretty heavy and honestly if I was on the receiving I wouldn't want to know.
Ignorance is bliss, you know
Sometimes I wish I never knew. Just so times where I feel like I do, I don't start worrying about what is in the future for me. I've seen this all before. And at the moment I feel as though I am moving in the same direction as before, but this time not down my path. I'm moving down someone else's and I don't like it.
I remember writing all of my other blogs, the stories. The one's where the girls try not to follow the same paths as their loved ones. Looking back I kinda realize where all of this came from. Our imagination is our biggest reflection on our subconscious thought.
What I need right now is someone to just be my crutches. But I also want to be someone else's.
Usually the pit I fall in is someone else's. I find it's always easier to find the way out of someone else's pit rather than your own. But here I am drowning in my own pit and no one to help guide me out.
But luckily for me I have been that guide for so many years. I am trying to be positive and move through it. Stepping carefully and not stopping until I get out…. just like every other time this shitty pit has come up.
So here I go:
Step one: stand up
Step two: take a deep breath
Step three: left foot in front of right foot, right foot in front of left foot and so on

Good Luck



Originally Patience


Thank you!