Clear

My chest is tight, and I can't settle. I am thinking of what has happened over the past few months, what happened today, ten minutes ago... a second ago. I want it out of my head. I want to be able to lie here in peace.
I want to vomit. I want to rech and gag until something comes out. It could be because I ate three cookies and feel guilty. I can't sleep because of this.
I can't sleep because I called and you wouldn't answer and all I can think about is what you said. And my only response was an internal yhea I know. Thanks for reminding me.
What a happy day it was. Celebrating the coming together of two families but all I could think about was how distant my side was. I hate myself. It's selfish really thinking that, just so damn selfish. I am 21 and I sitll think of myself.
When I don't..... well I need to take care of myself, I need to focus. I am!!!!! I promise.
My mind is going a mile a minute, and nothing is making sense. There is a lump the size of the sun in my throat. It burns. Probably the reflux, I didn't take my meds today.
O the meds!!!! The damn meds. I am sitting here feeling like shit knowing that if I ask anyone for help they will give me more medication, and I don't want it.
It has been three months and I cannot be happy. I want to be. I have tried everything, but I still find myself in a lull. One where waking up is a challenge, eating is even worse and I have this gut wrenching moment everyday day. Why? Let's begin, and for once listen. For once sit there and read this and hear me. Please. It is midnight and I can't think of anything else but this. This is my reality so listen. Don't talk just listen.
I am sad. I am sad because I work hard everyday to improve my chances of being happy and prosperous later on in life. I am sad because for every hour I try to improve myself here I am loosing a week with you. I am erratic and manic. I can't stop, and I keep going because if I stop I will decay. I want to be happy but I can't anymore. You have all worn me down. How do I help myself and you and him and her and them? How do I breath anymore?
In, out right?
No!
I am a human being who needs time, who isn't perfect and actually enjoys being wrong and naive every once and while.
I am sick. I have been for a while. And now it's here and present and all I have gotten is a cold shoulder from all. I need you all here right now and I know I will not get it. I understand why. It's a competition right? One where one has to outdo the other, which is why you forget. You always forget... but I get it now... 21 years later. I want you to stop using us as a competition for one. We are people, ones that love you equally but want to be able to live our lives with each of you without feeling an ounce of guilt, worry, or sadness.
I want to be able to be with you and that is it. I want to sit and love and be loved and have a chance to just be with you.
This is my verdict with this, that I love you but find it easier to hide up west. This is easiest for me, but hard to swallow. I can't seem to grip the reality of getting old, leaving the dependancy bracket to the one big bracketless cluster that defines you as a functioning part of society.
I am not.
I cannot be. It isn't safe for society is it? I can only imagine how many 21 year olds say that out loud, calling for an adult and realizing they are one. It's sad but funny in a way. I can only imagine the smug grins on parents faces when they see their kids having an adult crisis and think, ha, they have so much to learn.
I do, but I need you to do that and not compete. Right? I need you to just be a parent, what the other one is doing or saying doesn't matter. It's the hilarious mistakes and struggles your children are experiencing that should be your main focus.
I need that more than anything, because right now I am struggling and I guess you can say that this is me asking for help. I need help because I am not well and cannot find a way to become well. I have been everywhere and seem to be getting closer to the answer that what is thought to be physical is mental, and that scares me more than anything in this world. I am sorry to say but I don't want to be apart of that template. But, it seems that after years of working hard at staying "happy" I cannot do it anymore.
I don't think talking and attempting to do things that are therapeutic will work anymore. I don't think my stomach problems are primary rather than secondary to the actual beast. I think I am to far into this 3 year hole that I have dug to get out. I can't do this by myself, and I promise you I have tried so hard to get out of it myself, but I think I have fallen deeper.
I'm sorry. But I need help, I need you to listen and I need you to just be there as individuals not as two people against each other.
I love you.