Just Calm

The water is warm. Similar to that feeling you get when you are in the perfect position under your covers. You are fully covered and feel as though you are immersed in a cave of down feathers and fabric. This warmth will only stay warm if you stay in that position, the moment you move you become cold. So you either continue to move or settle back into that warm, cocoon position.
I dip my toe in and then jump in, pencil straight touching the bottom of the pool. I wait there for a bit, open my eyes, allowing the chlorine to sting my eyes a bit. My hair gently followed around me. It was peaceful under here. It was silent and if you look up you could see the other swimmers finishing or starting their laps. I could feel the air draining from my lungs but didn't want to move. My sink or swim instincts came into play and I found myself pushing off the bottom of the tiled pool and surfacing.
The light blinded me, almost feeling as though I was being reborn, gasping for air, wanting to cry because the oxygen hurt as it went in. I reached for the edge as I caught my breath. I turned around looking down the long length of the lane. The life guard stared at me as if my non-movement in the water was against the law.
To please him I did a few lengths. I enjoyed this, but felt as though it was a waster of time.
Water was meant to be explored under the surface of land. Never to be skimmed across the top. This is why it was more enjoyable to spend time under water, to let your senses explore the dampened sounds and blurry picturesque emptiness.
I held on to the side, breathing deeply, listening to my heart beat. In, out.
The point was to slow your heart down, the less it beats the longer you can spend under the surface. You have to stay calm, think of nothing but the liquid paradise flowing around you.
Look straight ahead breathe, forget about the task you intend on completing. Don't make a goal just do. I felt light headed, I was almost ready. Like a runner I positioned my feet against the wall and crouched down getting ready to push off and swim. I sped up my breathing and in one quick motion I took my final deep breath and went under, pushing off against the wall becoming fully immersed in the water, gliding deeply below it's surface.
I pushed the water past me, propelling myself forward.
Calm, stay calm, heart beat down, calm.
The red line came up, my eyes stinging from the chlorine rushing into them. I was in the shallow end. The end coming closer, I decided  to move faster. My stomach constricting, I could feel my empty lungs shriveled up into autumn leaves. This pushed me, this is where calm became important.
Calm, only a little bit more.
Calm.
My chest hurt, almost feeling as though my whole body was going to erupt.
The wall in sight I pushed, my heart stopping completely, no longer beating slowly.
I touched and quickly came up, gasping, tears running down my checks because of the shear pain of my lungs expanding quickly. I grabbed hold of the edge, barely being able to stand, the light exploding into my face. Breathing heavily, I closed my eyes, and a smile drew slowly across my face.
I did it.
No goal, but I did it.
This was the feeling. So many hated doing what I did, found it uncomfortable, scary and dangerous. For me, it was the closest feeling I could get.
It was the panic, excitement, pain, and satisfaction, the closest feeling to drowning and breathing that last breathe I could get to without fully ending it.
It was that feeling that I could cheat it, that even at my last dying breathe, a warm current of calm would wash over me, allowing me to accept my fate and that happiness, and calmness would stay with me forever.
The after life was a liquid, like sitting in the bottom of the pool feeling your lungs crunch together, and the pressure pushing down on your ear drums. It was place where once adjusted would become peaceful, and euphoric.
Swimming back, a floated face to the sealing pleased. This feeling was a natural high, one that no drug could ever create. It was one in which the satisfaction was real, and the jelly in your arms and legs would stay for hours longer.
It was simple what I did. Nothing more than basking in the simple things of life.
Not breathing, thinking, or planning.
No goal.
Just calm.
Calm, breathe in, kick off, calm.