Puzzle Piece

Sometimes I feel as though I try too hard. I believe that I do the right thing, maybe that comes across as arrogant and high and mighty, but I promise you it is just me trying my 100% best to be as little as a dent in the current time. I want to just meld into the now so I do not create a past. I want to become just another moving form of the bigger picture. It is clear however that this is not the case. For every move I make with you I seem to move against you. Your foot goes forward mine goes back.
I want nothing more than to be a part of this life but it does not seem true. I want you to be happy but my pressence does not do that.
I am ready to leave, walk out the door, resume my weekly phone calls. I will increase my debt just to make sure you are ok. I will loose myself to make sure you are ok. Please do not be offended by me, please do not let me fill you up with hatred and stress and sadness. I am past the age of wanting to push you away. I want to make you happy. Out of everything that has happened in our lives I want now to be happy. I want you to forget about the past.
As I am writing I'm thinking about those years. The ones where neither I nor her could keep ourselves together. I remember the day that she screamed Please let me go. I remember leaving my room keeping it cool because I knew it was what you needed. I hid and then I walked. I couldn't sleep and knew I had to keep my cool, so I did. I walked and walked.
This is what I will do, to make you happy. I will keep it cool. I will do what you need even if you don't ask. This will always go without saying. But what also goes without saying is the hurt I have when you doubt that, when you believe I mock you and ridicule you and ignore you. None of this is true, I promise you.
I have nothing to resolve or apologize for because I believe nothing I am doing is to hurt or offend you. Never. Believe me when I say that no anger or hatred is moving you way. Please believe me when I say all of this. Please understand this is not anger... only sadness. I feel as though we have switched roles, you now want to push me away because I am just a useless pillar.
Like a I said I will leave, I will do anything to keep peace because I am too tired of wasting years fighting. I did that with you for two years. There was no trust not because of anything you had done, but because of circumstance.
Now I feel as though there is no circumstance anymore. Now I am confused and do not know what to do.
I just want to be and this is me trying to be in your world not mine



Originally Patience