Hi, Long time I know.
I guess I'm procrastinating at the moment. I have a tonne of emails to respond to and another 30 minutes of a show to mix dialogue which, if I think about this realistically will take me another two days. At least I've become disinterested in watching shitty documentaries about people being 600 lbs or addicted to crack.
I guess updates are required. Well first of all I am no longer the anti-society 17 year old I once was. Now I'm an anti-establishment 23 year year old. No... just kidding. I am 23 and I am procrastinating, that is the truth (I'm writing this in between rendering times for my mouth de-click software). What has changed.... I am working full-time at an audio post production studio, something I would have never seen myself doing. To say I love it would be an understatement. I have seem to have fallen into this job and it has swept my of my feet. I am still a musician (Now practicing regularly, it has been just under two years), but as it has always been my passion is in television and film. More importantly the sound the accompanies these pictures. I'm not going to go into some huge philosophical rant about why the nature of sound gets me going. I honestly find talking about my job is quite complicated and I tend to get the wrong reactions out of people. Mostly, what I can do for them rather then them being interested in what I do between 8 and 4, Monday through Friday.
I guess I have decided to come back to this forum because I have a lot to say. It's been too long and I now have too much in my mind that needs to come our. Not here in one post obviously, I think that would result in too much pain for me. But rather this start the new chapter of this blog.
Before I begin, I want to lay things out on the table. I have completed my Undergraduate Degree in music education but, obviously have not gone in the direction of educator. If any of you know me really well I am not a fan of most people on the dependency line. I then went into my Graduate Certificate for post-production and successfully graduate and got a job (Two for one, the best kind of deals). I have been working this job for about a year now. I am still with my boyfriend from university and in some ways you could say I have done well for myself. I should be happy right. Have you ever taken me to be someone who is content with their life. That's really my specialty, realizing that I have it pretty good but still finding a reason to be pissed off or sad about my life.
Well after constantly being unsatisfied for most of my life I have finally been given a reason.
When I was completing my Graduate Certificate I found it particularly hard to cope. I have been finding this same issue over my entire life, becoming incomprehensibly upset. Either sad, angry or insanely frustrated these issues never seem to resolve themselves peacefully. This has been the story of my life. Something I have become embarrassed over numerous times since I was young. Here is the thing, I don't want to start what everyone else is starting to do, make this a hashtag or some other trending thing. This isn't something to put on your social media (as I write this into a blog), this isn't something to define yourself by, or something to come out and impose on people. The only reason I am writing this here is that I have been writing since this disease was rearing its ugly head around the corner. I know I have this disease and live with it everyday however, that has not changed my level of success good or bad and it will not alter the person I in front of my friends and family. I have written a post like this several times and have just deleted them because I have wondered will this be professional suicide however, after working for one year I have found many people are neither open or closed about their illness but they aren't ashamed about it either.
When I got midway through my Graduate Certificate I suffered from insomnia. I usually found ways to make it better resulting in at least 5 hours of sleep however, nothing worked. One morning I finally got up and I felt nothing. I felt an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I could not get angry or sad about the fact I had taken 1.5g of melatonin and triple the dosage of prescribed sleeping pills and didn't sleep at all. I knew I needed to go to class but I also knew I was done with thinking, breathing and being. If it wasn't for my sister and my boyfriend... (I am going to be honest here and I am sorry if it is too much) I would have committed suicide that day. I have had insomnia before and I couldn't believe I was going back down that road four years later. The result? I received intervention quickly resulting in my diagnosis.
November 2017 I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. It finally explained years and years and years of behavior that I otherwise found embarrassing and uncontrollable. I will explain my diagnosis and behaviors later but for now, I think it is better to just begin with my honesty. This diagnosis has been hard but I think it is finally time for me to post and open up about it here. This to me signifies the being of chapter two, I have been dealing with this disease for two years now but I think it is time for me to stop punishing myself and begin to flatten out my speed bumps and figure out what road I am travelling.
So , I hear by reopen Who am i.
And just so you know, I still don't know who that is.
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