Hey Hi!!!!!!! Yes, that is right today is the 100th DAY!!!!! 100 days of my project. 100 days of standing in front of my door and taking a pictur of myself. 100 pictures of myself! Today is a day of celebration!! Today is the day to laugh in peoples faces that said I couldn't do it. Yes, I know nI haven't done 730 yet but, the fact that I made it to a hundred days is pretty damn amazing!!!! I am so proud of myself! I have made it this far, and it has made me more determained to make it all the way to 730.
I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's because I have been going through some issues.... scratch that I am going throught some issues.
I've been thinking today, about school. The familiar sounds, and people. The stress, and homework. Then, I wonder who are these people? Who are these people I walk with. What are they? I wonder this because everyone sees me one way, when I am really the other. I see kids walk into school everyday and I wonder, are they abused? Are they sad? Do they know their parents? Are they sick? Then I think about what people see in me. They see tall, confident, and happy. Then I realize the faces I look at are infact masks. They are painted on expressions. They hide the truth, pain, and true joy. I can't help but, think about kids who have to come to school everyday knowing they have come from a place of sadness. I am that kid. I am that kid who goes to school with a painted on mask. Everything around me is destroyed and I go to school, and I see it in their eyes that I am perfect. I am an image they like and are fimiliar with. I remeber in April, I forgot to put on my mask. No one talked to me, and no one cared. I felt ugly, and weak. I felt helpless, and stupid.
Have you ever just stood on the edge of the rocky banks of a lake or a sea? The wind rushes through your hair and you can feel the spray of the water against you cheeks. It's perfect. You hear the seagulls, and the crash of water. Then, you can hear it calling for you. It gently whispers in your ear, speaks to you. Tells you what you want to hear. Then you feel that urge. You have to hold on to something, just grasp for dear life. You can't trust yourself. You can feel your nails breaking and tearing off of your skin. You are squeezing your eyes shut so tight you begin to cry. YOu dig your teeth into you lip so hard you can feel it split and then... you taste the blood. The blood drives you more. You want it so bad. You scream "SHUT UP!!!!" YOU SCREAM "NOT KNOW!!" YOU SCREAM "PLEASE!!!!" Eventually it goes away but, you are affraid. You are affraid to ever let go. You have felt that urge and know it is familiar. It sits there like disease. It never leaves.
Have you ever wondered about love? I have. What is love? Why is it here? Why do we need? Think of your family. Just picture all of them standing in front of you smiling. Then imagine them gone. Just like that gone. Or imagine one just changing, saying and doing things that kill you. It kills you because of love. Love never stops. Love is why we cry, die, smile, cuddle, laugh, yell, and think. Love is our brain, body, and soul. We are derived from love. Our brains are shaped in love. We are love. Human beings are supposed to be loving things.
I'd like to thank all of you for reading this blog. This blog is changing me. I am.... I am Patience Bradford and I live in a world where nothing is right and nothing is wrong. I live in an inbetween world where sadness is happiness, and happiness is responsiblity.
Originally Patience
Thing to do today, Celebrate!!!!
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