Well, summer is officially ending. School starts this Tuesday. I got my schedule today. It's not a bad year all together I have English, 16th Century History, Music Composition, and World Religons first semster and, Band, Introduction to Anthropology, Sociology, and Physcology, Math,and Canadian Geography. Yhea. Second semester is definetly going to be heavy. Which is good because that is when the wrestling season begins to wind down. So, I don't have to worry about missing many math classes. I hate that! When you miss a math class come back the next day and start doing something and realize you have no idea what you are doing! LOL! That happened to me alot last year.
I went to my second group family session on Tuesday. It.... well... it was good? I have no idea. Everyone else walked out of there feeling like it was a good session but, I always feel like every single therapy session we all go to as a family always starts of well, and then ends terribly.
Dude my music is sucking today. Have you every listened to your iPod and wonder why on earth is this song still on here? You say every single time, I'm going to take this song off but, you never do. I think I have over a hundred songs like that. LOL!
When we got back from therapy I felt terrible. I felt like they were all angry at me. I felt like they were finding different ways to explain to the therapist without saying it bluntly that, they feel like I did it. If I'd ask them myself they would say no. But, I can see it sometimes, that they wish everything would just go back to normal. I can see it that they wished April never happened..... I wish April never happened. I cryed that night. I had a terror. I remebered something that happened, and I couldn't breath. I felt like someone's hands were around my neck. Paying me back for what I did. I felt like I deserved it. I felt like it was only time before I got what I deserved. I didn't get it all though. I know there will be more.
There's a lump in my throat. It really hurts. I can feel everything welling up. I can feel it building up reaching out. I can't cry. I can't think.
I never knew guilt could hurt this bad. I've just realized this. I think it's going to kill me. I really do. I can't look at anyone. I nervous to socailize because of what might come up. I want to say sorry but, everytime I try to say it, it catches in the air and flutters away. I want to know what I did wrong and why everthing is still the same. I want to know because I can't stand it. I ask and I get no answer. IF YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH AN ANSWER THAN WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!!! I'm trying! Every frggin day I try. You need to meet me half way.
My eyes are empty. Just full of prostetic happiness, only temporary. They are glazed, sad, and tired. I can't look at myself anymore. The night I spent crying, I wanted to be sick when I saw myself. I looked so weak. Unrecognizable. I miss me. But, I even hate myself. "THAT".
Originally Patience
Thing to do today, learn a piece of music you have been dying to play.
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