Gills

We always used to come here. Every Friday. I used to wait for her at school. Sit eagerly waiting for the bell to ring. As soon as it did I jumped out of my seat as if it were hot coals and run out of  the school. Every Friday, she would be in the same place with the same smile. We would catch the same subway, walk up the same stairs, and smell the same air. 3 blocks north, 2 blocks east and we were there. The same thought would come into my mind. How could something so serene be thriving in a place of pure chaos. We would walk closer and closer to the current. With each step you could taste the liquid salt. 2 more steps you were perched on the edge of the rocky shore. The waves crashing against the rocks licking, at your feet. Enticing you to dip in, to let the current wash you away and become one of it's own. We would sit on the shore and close our eyes, just listening. All the scores, and constant composing could never recreate this symphony. The waves being the strings flowing intro the chorus. The crashing against the shore being the bass drum, keeping your heart beat steady, reminding you to breath. The wind, breathing its lyrics straight to your brain. Rattling your core until you open your eyes, and see the crystal clear ocean. This beautiful expanse of nothing, yet so much lying on the edge of the hustle and bustle of city life, only reminds you of how close you are. How close you are to breaking free and living the life of just euphoria. She would look at me and wrap her arms around me telling me I came from the ocean. That one day I would sprout gills and a tail fin. We both would, and we would live the rest of our lives in the ocean. I remember feeling the side of her neck and tell her I can feel her gills setting in. She would do the same, and say maybe next time will be the day. That's why we came back, to see if it was our time to join the current. She would always tell me that the ocean was truly god. That praying only works if you right it down and throw it in the ocean. She would give me a slip of paper and I would write my dream down, I would scribble it neatly and clearly so he could read it. I didn't want it to get to him and it not be legible. Then I would crumple it up, hold it close to my mouth.  I would shut my eyes tight and then throw it. The wind would take it out as far as it could, and then it would gently land into the centre of the wet expanse. I would look at her and she would say what did you wish for. I would say I can't tell you otherwise it won't come true.
The ocean is my home. It was my womb before birth and my mother when she passed on. I guess in a sense my wishes were granted. I had only wished that she would get better. That those supposed men would leave her alone. According to father, I shouldn't have listened to her. That she was "ill" and all of her promises weren't her. I made sure I never told him about the gills, or the wishes. I didn't want him to ruin that for me, they were the only things that felt real about her. When we weren't by the ocean she was never happy. Fridays were the only days she looked forward too. Before we would leave the shores she would cry, tell me that this was her serenity, and if she were to die sprinkle her ashes here. This was usual. She had her funeral planned out to a T. It was odd. I would always nod my head, and pat her back as she sobbed. She would repeat over and over again she loved me, and nothing would ever change that.
The day she died I was sitting beside her on the shoreline, with the same feeling of happiness, excitement, and calmness I had every Friday. This time however, she never cried, she had this odd look of pleasure on her face. Just a constant smile. It made me smile because I felt my wish had come true. She was better. She no longer had those unforgivable dark circles under her eyes, her hair was done, and she was wearing makeup. She looked like a mother. She no longer seemed like her, she was mommy. She was the kind nurturing being I had looked for.
She reached into her purse; I thought it was going to be paper, so I took out a pen. Instead she took out a sharp blade. It was small and square. The ends were crusted in what looked like blood. My eyes widened. She didn't even look at me. She rolled up her sleeves, revealing her fair pale wrists covered in deep incisions. She stared at them with the same content smile she had before and pushed the blade down on her wrist and moved slowly. Each inch releasing every bit of her faith and happiness. She quickly dropped the blade and breathed in a shallow breath, still with that smile. She looked at me and a single tear dripped down her face. I looked down at her wrist which was now the and angry red. She said, I will always love you no matter what. She got up and looked down, and within an instant she was gone.
Years later I am still left with the same question, why didn't she wait for me? I was a 10 year old girl believing in the same tales I still believe in now as a woman. So, I sit here now on the same shoreline breathing in the same air as that day. Except this time I will no longer be breathing the air. I reach inside of my purse, and instead of pulling out a pen and paper I pull out a ring box. I hold it tight in between my fingers, I push it against my lips and taste what I have been waiting for. I look down the same way I did 11 years ago. I see her. She says, it's your turn. I smile, the same content smile she had. I close my eyes and open the ring box. I stare down, and see the same rectangular blade. I take it out of it's box and stare down at it. I look back down, she says come on. I put the blade back in the box and lay it down beside me. I pull a small piece of paper out of my purse and a pen. I scribble my final wish. I fold it up and wrap it around the blade. I stand up and place it against my lips one more time, I close my eyes tightly, and then I release it. I release my final wish. I watch it drop into the middle of the current. I take in a breathe pick up my purse, and leave this place. I take the same steps except backwards. I go 2 blocks west and 3 blocks south. I get on the southbound subway, but instead I never get off. All I want is to get as far away from that shoreline as I can because I became free the moment she became apart of my mother.




Final Wish: I love you and nothing will ever change that.