Not all of it.... just the biggest part. I thought this would be a world of adventure and new friends, a new me, a new life.
It is a new life, one in which my privacy is limited and after crazy nights the toilets are covered in vomit. I have met new people sure, but they didn't accept me.
Me....... they did not accept me. What did I do wrong? Be afraid. I'm still afraid. I'm feeling out each moment here with fear. I thought this feeling would be gone within the first week. Instead it was replaced with something new, a feeling of uncomfortable aching and yurning to be myself, but each time I do I am told to be quiet or stop.
The biggest issue anyone will face when coming to a place like this, is staying true to yourself.
Who am i....
I think I had it all wrong before. I thought finding myself would occur in the last two years of high school... and it partially happened. These next few years of my life will be a test. A test of seeing what part of me comes out at the end of all of this. So far my sarcastic, eccentric ways have been shunned. Now in placement I awkwardly smile, blush and move on.
I don't want to prove myself here. That's what I feel like everyone has done... or tried to do, prove themselves to each other and in turn received welcoming open arms into their little worlds. Me, I just tried to be myself and I get sideways glances.
I'm not miserable here... far from it. Musically I have finally become fully immersed. All I think is about is notation, intonation and dynamics. Each breath and walk becomes a phrase, each day a movement in my final sonata.
Cliche I know, but this is what my life has become, and I can't imagine myself doing anything else but this.
I have met crazy interesting people. A green nerd, who can't eat anything (a better question for her would be What can you eat?). A small town beauty and a bahama mama (literally she's from Bahama's). These girls are amazing and have made my experience here so much better.
One piece of thought before I sign out, hopefully not for a long time:
It's not until you leave that you realize what you truly have. Driving away I felt as though a piece of me was being torn away. Homesickness is more like a temporary disease. It hurts for such a long time, sometimes it goes into remission and then it comes back.... I guess you could say its back right now. The night before I left I couldn't sleep. Not because of the nerves or the excitement. I didn't want the night end. I didn't want tomorrow to come and the long drive that followed. Coming here is a blessing and a curse. A blessing in the obvious sense, I am doing what I have dreamed of. A curse with being so far away. I don't want to feel as though I am out of sight out of mind.... because I am not. I am still here.... just a couple of hours away. A call wouldn't hurt.... maybe a visit... maybe some acknowledgement. We were disconnected before we left, but not it feels irreparable. I know you know it too. It would make me feel better knowing I'm not the only one. I can't think about the yesterdays without my eyes filling with tears realizing they are all gone and probably for a long time. It's almost as if you have neatly packed it all in a box, folding the corners and weakly smiling as you push them to the back of the room. Please don't. Please come back, and be with us... the two of us because we miss you. We don't care if we are adults we just want to be with you... thats all... a visit... an acknowledgement... a day out without a catch... anything.
Just anything.
Originally Patience
Miss you
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