I'm sad right know. I've spent another whole day in my room. I'm trying to go downstairs but, I can't find it in me. I don't know why it's so hard but, I just don't want to go downstairs. I've noticed in my pictures my eyes have been glazed over. Even when I try to look alive they still look glazed over. I don't look like me. I'm at a loss for words right now. My apperence has changed over the past month. I think... it's because my horizons have become broader.
I've been thinking about why we are the way we are. Why we walk the way we walk, the way we talk, look at each other, eat, sleep. What motivates us to do things. Well for example; I haven't peed all day because the washrooms at the school are minging so, I will go to the washroom as soon as I get home. Thats an example of what motivates us to do things but, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what makes us feel we are ready to leave the house, the person you are with is good for you. What motivates us to continue doing things that cause pain on you. Ridiculous example: A woman is being abused by her spouse, she ends up in hospital but, still goes back to him. Why? Why do I and others insist on playing contact sports? They hurt right? You get hit, you get the wind knocked out of you but, you get up and keep on playing. You very well know you are going to get hit again, and the same kind of pain will follow but, you keep on doing it. We have a tendancy to do stupid things. The government wants to spend millions of dollars on something that might cause a black hole. It could kill all of us but, they are still willing to invest time and money into this thing. While there are people out in the world scraping money together just to get food. Humans are like teenagers... we are all teenagers. Even though some of us are tame adults, adults who understand the way of life. They are still reckless people. We all do stupid things that we know will hurt others, or ourselves. We cause riots, spend too much money on little things, we can't prioritize, we ignore cries for help, we put ourselves first. Everyone says we are like vermin. We walk on this Earth and just strip it down. Which is understandable. How else would human beings live. Yes there are other options but, this is how we live. By, looking at ourselves as vermin we will self destruct. We view ourselves as vermin, we veiw others as vermin, and that is how war starts. See this is where the motive thing comes in. We are motivated by others, by their actions. It is like a circle, there is no begining or end to who motivates who. We all motivate each other.
Have you ever beenn faced with an oppourtunity to talk? You have planned out exactly what you are going to say but, when it comes to that moment you just shut up. I do that too much. I am presented with the oppurtunity and I say nothing. Absolutly nothing. I end up in the same place I was before. I need to over come this. I really do because it is not healthy just bottling it up. I can feel it rising to the top sometimes. When I get to that point I say one or two things never all of it. I need to learn how to let it all go. All of it. Every last bit until there is nothing left of me, just my skeleton.
Originally Patience
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