Hello! I would like to say hello to the Romanians who are now reading my blog, welcome. There is nothing like piano. I have no idea how to explain it but, it's kind of euphoric? I hope I'm using the right word. Piano and strings. There the sound of water, earth, and the beings on this earth. I love them. They just flow through you, stir you up like a current, and you find yourself swaying to them. Close your eyes and sway, like the liquid abyss. Hmmmm.
Sound is everywhere. Sound is what makes up our world. Have you ever been in complete slience? Ever? If you were then you are the only person on Earth who has every been in silence. There is always some sort of noise going on. But, my god when everyone is silent and it's just you and that single noise, it is louder than a Band Aid concert. Silence is louder than noise. So, so, loud.
There is a storm going on right know. The lighting is creeping through my curtains tickling my toes. The thunder is running up my spine, making me paralyzed. It is so powerful, nature. It can do anything it wants, it doesn't care. It can love you, or be cruel. It can make a good day perfect, or a good day horrible. Weather is by far the most free spirit.
If you haven't noticed I can't spell very well. LOL! Infact I think I'm boarder line dyslexic.
I went back to school shopping. Got a few notebooks, some new pencils, and erasers. I've been in school long enough now that I don't need anything. School becomes a life style really. You are in school everyday of your life. Even when you are out of the learning environment you are still learning. You learn new skills like driving, taking care of yourself, paying bills, having fun (RESPONSIBLY). It's all a learning experience. Everyday you brush your teeth you learn something new. Everyday you make your bed you learn something new. You never stop learning. That's why we have brains, as we retain new information we trash the old.
Life at home right know is scary. I'm going to be honest it is very scary. I'm nervous about the well being of someone. They know there is something wrong. But, I'm afraid. I'm afraid they will disappear in thier own sadness. It will just chew them up. I can tell they're scared. I hate to see them like that. I hate to see any of them like that. That look of dispair. Thier lost, lost in everything. They have no idea. That' what they are scared about, not knowing.
I... I'm a very afraid person. I'm a very lonely person but, I have alot of friends. When I say I'm lonely, I mean I'm lonely in my thoughts. I feel like the fear is what makes me lonely. I'm afriad of so much. Not things like spiders (although I have a serious case of arcniphobia, like so bad if there is a spider on the sidewalk I'll cross to the other side of the road to avoid), or bat but, emotional fear. I'm afraid of letting people I love down. Disappointing them, or making them hurt. I'm so afraid of making them hurt. I hate saying things, and then seeing it on their faces that I have upset them. That's the worse feeling in the world. It pulls at you, and tears you appart! I hate it. I've said things to people that where horrid, things I regreted the moment they came out my mouth. And you know what? I keep on doing it. I want to hit myself, hurt me like I hurt them. Make me feel the way they feel. Make me hurt more them. SOmetimes I say things to people that makes me feel worthless. I've been called judgemental. And I am. IT's because I'm so insecure about myself. I say these thing to make me feel better. But, it doesn't, it makes me feel like shit. I feel... I feel... worthless. Sometimes. Sometimes, I hate myslef. Sometimes, I can't stand the sight of my. Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and disapear but, there is one thing that brings me back. My family. I see them smiling at me. My dad getting teary eyed when I play my sax. My mom beaming when I've done something amazing. My sister being proud of me (quietly) when I pin someone. My stepdad laughing at a joke I said. My stepmom enjoying something I have made for her. I see all of these people, and I forget about everything. For just a moment I.... I smile. I just smile. I'll be crying my eyes out. Feeling useless and worthless, and I'll see a picture of all them and smile. Just like that. They are my pride and joy. They are the loves of my life. They are the people I will miss the most, love the most, and need the most. I love them.
Originally Patience
Thing to do today, learn something new and tell someone.
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